The Void

Oh My Darling...

2011-10-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

This one goes out to the one I love...

You remind me...of a young Meg Ryan coupled with some Marion Cottilard, topped with Marilyn Monroe. Maybe it's because of the initial your name starts with, or perhaps I think this way because they - like you - were once aspiring actress's who made it.

But you're more than just a pretty face. You are a dream from which I never want to wake and a reality that could never bare parting with.

You're one of a kind.

In an imperfect world, you're perfect. I used to think that perfection wasn't attainable - but now I know that perfection is in the eyes of the beholder.

You have the intelligence to overcome any obstacle. Your loving personality is so powerful, it brings joy to those fortunate to be around you. When you smile, it makes me smile.

Sometimes I get lost in daydreams - just thinking about you. Wondering what you're doing, where you are, what you're thinking. Although I barely get to see or talk to you, the mere thought of you gets me through the day. I have no idea how things would actually be like if I was your partner in life... but I occasionally wonder.

Recently, while watching a new release in theaters - I tuned into a conversation a father has to his son about soul mates. At the time, I was definitely not sold on the idea of a 'one person in life for someone,' (thinking in my head if that person were to die than you are to live out the rest of your life knowing your one true love - again, if that exists - has perished) but regardless I tuned in.

What the boy said to his father went a little something like this:

"You never give up on your soul mate. You fight for them."While I'm still unsure whether there is any truth to soul mates existing, I do know this...

I can fight the jealousy - as it comes and goes.
I can fight my odds.
I'll even fight time as best as I can, and continue to wait patiently.

What I can't fight - is how you make me feel, and what you mean to me.

I realize your modesty can shoot down every compliment I give you, but i hope you don’t. People as great as you are deserve to be told. Not out of necessity, but out of love. Those who love unconditionally - deserve to know how amazing they are.

I realize I may never kiss you, or answer your call to the sound of your voice calling me "sweetheart"...but just know, You have a friend that thinks the world of you.

So if things are ever too much for you and you're stressed out, and you need a break from the fast paced world we live in, even if you just need someone to listen to your problems...I'll always be there for you in some way, somehow, because I love you.

Hold That Thought...

2011-10-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

To all the single ladies out there...I come baring a challenge.

Know this!

This is no easy task...

Those who make it through qualification checks will have quite the road ahead of them...

So then, do you possess the following qualities?

Are you a Brunette?

Are you educated with more than a high school diploma?

Do you consider yourself a funny individual? Do you find yourself laughing often?

What comes to mind when you think of the word, "Ocean"? What about, "Space"?

On a scale of 1-100, how confident would you say you are?

Would you consider yourself a romantic?

What's your favourite Movie?

When you go to sleep at night, what is your most common sleepwear (if any)?

And finally, for shits and giggles ...what is your astrological sign?

12 - This is one for the books...

2011-09-21T08:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, I really don't know how to start this - so i'm winging it. Earlier this year I discovered that a best friend of mine was going through a testing phase to see if he could under go a procedure - specifically a transplant - to prolong his mother's life. Now let that sink in. It's a big deal.

Earlier this month that same friend explained to me that despite being a match, he is unable to go through with the surgery. How would you feel if your mother was ill and despite wanting to help - you can't? He hasn't come out and said it but I know it's killing him that he can't do this. Despite the results, he's my best friend...and his mother is like my mother - which is why i'm getting tested. If I can, I would like the opportunity to take his place and attempt to get her the transplant she needs.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, but i'm not scared of the operation or dying...I'm worrying about if I die that it would impact my friends and family in a negative way. Because they love me, they encourage me to really weigh the situation and consider all outcomes...in my mind I feel some are hoping i'll reconsider (and believe me, they only feel that way because they love me - not because they don't want me to help), but this is something I'm really sure of. Consider this: I've never had surgery before. I've never even broken a bone in my life, nor have I ever had stitches. I'm not the biggest fan of needles and I HATE hospitals. When I think about the situation, none of that matters. It's all about seeing to it that my friend has his mother around for as long as possible.

This is a selfless act, yes, I am aware. This is a major operation - I'm also aware of that. I also know that it's a low risk surgery with a fairly short recovery time (3 months), and that the organ i'm attempting to donate is a regenerative one. While this was a big decision for me, and I consider the things i'm giving up - it just feels right.

Anyways, this is just me getting it off my chest. It could be something, it could be nothing...only tests and time will tell. <3

11 - I have 15 minutes before i will be spotted...

2011-06-27T05:29:00.000-07:00

MJ,

I had the most glorious of moments the other day, or earlier today, or late last night. Whenever you want to place the time - it was like a spark of creativity that ignited my very being and sent my brain into overdrive. I felt stimulated - mentally (it doesn't happen as much as it used to - ha ha ha) I'm telling you it was magical. I feel it's limitless, and it was always there. I just needed something, and when I discovered what I needed it reminded me of something I once thought about you... but back then I had forgot. Motivation.

Motivation, I believe, is your catalyst.

When you apply it to a task, you generally see it through. If you don't...you had better start. Time is limited... and YOU have SO MUCH you need to do.

You need to find a source of motivation - and I'm confident all will smoothen out, just add it to all your other natural advantages.

I miss you every day. :)
- J

10 - So there was an Eclipse...

2011-06-17T05:30:00.000-07:00

Hey MJ,

Earlier this week there was an eclipse. Not just any eclipse though, it was the second one in like 15 days...and there's a final one in like 15 more days. The one that passed happened to put the moon in Saggitarius, which is where it was for me when i was born. Got my emotions going crazy. I swear, if you don't believe in horoscopes - that's totally fine, but to rule out the possibilty of planets and other cosmic events having some effect over us I think is a bit ignorant...not that you think that way, but i think about people who rule it out.

I hope I haven't creeped you out, or scared you off.

Anyways, thanks for texting me. I know you're busy - while everyone's fighting for your time, you're probably conflicted with who you should make time for and who gets put off just a bit longer lol, don't feel bad about it if you do. I'm afraid it comes with the territory when you're so popular. I'm just happy you're popular for all the right reasons, and so relieved that i've met you and become good friends. Life can get that much better when you discover individuals like yourself.

I want to go somewhere with you, I just haven't decided where yet. Any thoughts? Oh yeah, you haven't read this yet.... well ok then, I guess it's on me to figure out something amazing and then have you go back to this and recall what amazing time it was....cause if things happen the way I hope, our summer, your next few years... they are going to be nothing less than incredible.

I'll be seeing you...

- J

9 - You're not like the others...

2011-06-15T07:14:00.000-07:00

Hey MJ,

Last night I met up with an old boss of mine. We hit up an lcbo, grabbed some beers and went to a few parks and drank and caught up. It was great. At one of the parks, in Kensington Market, a cycle-cop stopped us and asked us to make the beers disappear...nicest cop i've ever encountered. :)

I'm sorry if I was a little persistant with texting yesterday. Just wanted to make sure you were ok.

I was thinking to myself the other day... and although i wouldn't anticipate you giving an answer like I would - due to your humble modesty - i'd still like to hear your stance on what you feel separates you from everyone else. What makes you so different?

I had a vision in my head while listening to music the other day...You were wearing something very spring/summery in a field full of life. Although you were holding a flower, it wasn't the flower I expected...you know - the one with the fuzzy, floaty things that people blow off...instead, you had the head of a carnation. It was purple. You were incredibly happy, and totally ok with entertaining yourself. It was quite a calming vision, you look so beautiful when you're happy. Your positivity...it's contagious.

Gave me even more ideas for filming our adventures this summer. I can't wait. I'll be seeing you...
- J

8 - I want to hold your hand

2011-06-13T06:12:00.000-07:00

Dearest MJ,

Another week's past,
Another week's begun.
Weekends are always best,
While Mondays are no fun.

I look to you this day and next
In hopes you'll hear my call.
So that I might receive a text
Or a message on my wall.

When i'm with you I rejoice,
Though my heart begins to race.
Whether it's the tranquility of your voice
Or that smile upon your face.

For me the choice is simplistic
Although you may not understand,
It's your personality, and characteristic...
That makes me want to hold your hand.

The urge suddenly came over me...
So i thought i'd write this out.
It's beautiful what we can say & see
When our feelings come about.

You're amazing. Don't ever forget it. xo

- J

7 - I know now what I have to do, because i'm clear on what I want

2011-06-13T00:08:00.000-07:00

MJ,

Today i slept an entire 12 hours from 5 in the morning till about 5 in the evening. I was up late working on some side projects and lost track of time, and since I'm a heavy sleeper - when I'm seriously lacking sleep - I ended up losing half the day.

I went for my daily roller blade - I've been doing this for about a week now. After picking up some food, I trekked up to the 401, grabbed a skid and sat down and ate - overlooking the highway. I felt it was a great atmosphere to think...as you literally watch life pass you by. Makes you think about life. It was quite peaceful, and alarming at the same time, because when ever you look at time and consider its limitations, the world seems so much smaller and moves way too fast.

When was the last time you experienced a moment where time stopped? Where were you? What were you doing? I find these moments becoming more and more rare. Likely, it's their rarity that makes them so memorable.

Lately I'm in a creative mode, and I'm quite enjoying all the ideas coming my way. I hope things are going great for you in all that you're challenging yourself with. Remember you can achieve anything you put your mind to. :)

6 - I'm weak in the knees...

2011-06-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

Hey MJ,

Technically this will get posted after Midnight, which goes against the 1 letter a day for a year commitment...but I'm hoping you'll let it slide. Tonight was amazing on VIP. I feel like all the right people were working. It was a great balance, it's just a shame you had to leave at 8. I understand though, at least I think i do. You're a busy gal, and amongst sharing your time with all the people who desperately seek your company, there isn't much time for yourself, which is important to have - i think.

So this is to you, for all the kind things you do with no thoughts or needs for reciprocation. I realize that even though you don't expect reciprocation (or at least hide it well), deep down I'm sure you wouldn't mind people putting forth the tiniest attempt to treat you as well as you've treated them...which is why I want to take this opportunity to let you know that someone appreciates your efforts. You're amazing. There's not too many other ways to encompass your extraordinary outlook on life. You're one of a kind....and that kind is what Im so attracted to, on so many levels.

Here's a secret for you...To say I've never thought about it would be a lie. So, when thinking about it I get two contrasting feelings. 1, it'd be amazing (at least to me) - because you're such a romantic and a lover of life, I feel you'd make every move, every touch...every breath feel incredible. Time might stop lol. But then I wonder about scenario number 2, if we'd be complete opposites and find it strange, and make it...uncomfortable. My instincts tell me 1, but deep down I always have to consider the other...just to mentally prepare myself - lol even if it never happens. I just don't want you to think that I only think of that. I don't, not with you - which is incredibly different from how I've thought of previous people. Makes you stand out more, not that you need it.

Ha! Sorry - a bit of a tangent, some customers from the theater tonight stopped by guest services and tipped me extra because she had felt that I had a difficult job taking 7 orders at once tonight. I gave her two courtesy passes from my wallet, because her act of kindness made me happy lol.

But anyways...back to you :) You're one of a kind - and you mean so much to me...I want to write about other things, because I'd prefer you to not feel smothered in compliments... but I just can't imagine life without you. You're amazing, don't forget it.

- J

5 - How do you look at the one you love and tell yourself, It's time to walk away...

2011-06-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

Hey MJ,

I had the most amazing time with a beautiful woman last night. Her eyes each contained a sparkle that would coax a smile from even the grumpiest person, any day. Her hair blew gracefully when the wind took it...and her presence made things - as it always does - comfortable and relaxing. At one point she leaned in close and touched my face ever so gently...and it was in that moment last night that I felt a question had been answered by myself subconsciously. In a world of Wants Vs Needs, something became quite clear to me.

I want you. I want to be that special someone who does things for you because... I want to. I know now that I don't need too, but spending time with you is a feeling unlike any other in itself. You give me this overwhelming sense of creativity, and desire...and though I struggle trying to explain it and not show it - that's evidence enough how flustered I get when you're around because you're all I can think of.

I need you to be happy. I've gone over this before...to myself, alone. I can live comfortably knowing you're happy. But, it's your happiness that matters most, not whether I can cope with the situation. I'm there for you, and I don't know any other way than to accept my friend for what she wants and what she does. I'll always support any decision you make, because I believe in you. I know you have a great head on your shoulders. I figure you'll make mistakes from time to time...like everyone, but I'm not worried. Chances are, I won't even notice you making a mistake because I'll be too busy enjoying my time with you :)

You're the best, don't sell yourself short.
<3
- J

4 - Crazy weather meets fatigue

2011-06-09T06:06:00.000-07:00

Hey MJ,

You fell asleep on me last night. Not actually *Rolls eyes* I wish... but ya, just electronically lol. Usually i'm the quicker-passer-outter. Regardless, you never cease to amaze me. Hearing your plan to usher at the theater, where you'll have exposure to live theater often, is amazing! Such a simplistic idea...complemented with excellent timing. Those are the key ingredients to success. Timing, and simplicity. Remember that.

Tonight we're going to catch a movie. Midnight in Paris I believe...and I can't wait. You've already seen it, so i want you to know i appreciate you offering to see it again. I always end up doing that for my friends too, especially if the movie in question was enjoyable. There are a couple I could watch over and over again...Inception (obv.), 40 Days 40 Nights, The Matrix, etc.

I hope the weather holds up today, yesterday was rather insane...we actually had large pieces of hail rain down and pelt our house. I missed the storm completely but found it odd to have a bunch of ice cubes laying out in our lawn and driveway upon my return home. LOL...and some people think global warming isn't affecting the earth....Perhaps they need to fully witness the ice caps melt away before it dawn's on the pawns.

My mission, our goal....is to exceded last year's Summer. Are you up for the challenge? I am.

I miss you, eventhough you're always a text away...it's not enough sometimes. Perhaps you're like a good drug...in that, the feelings you produce are so awesome...anyone subject to you, needs more. LOL i think the drug MJ just took on a whole new meaning, at least for me ;).

Speaking of which, i'm bringing one for the pre-show. I wonder where we're watching it, Varsity no doubt. Well dah-ling... I can't wait for tonight, time spent with you is always a treat. I wonder what earrings you'll wear...if any :P

- J

3 - Inspirational

2011-06-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hey MJ,

You're incredible, a bringer of hope. You're quick to pass that off on me, but you're too modest... one of your few, humbling flaws. Seriously though...what if we're put on this earth to inspire others to maximize their potential? That's what you do for me. That's what I want for you. You make me want to be a better person...constantly - like an evolution of me...with all it's transitions.

I can't put into words what you being my friend means to me. I wish I could.

We spoke earlier today, and it reminded me of previous moments where we've spent time together and literally just asked each other question after question...so enthusiastic about learning more from the other. What I learned from you today is this...

No matter how low someone feels, or no matter how crappy a day someone has...it can always be flipped if you can share a smile, or provoke genuine laughter. Life fluctuates, and as quickly as it can turn bad, sad, miserable, or awful....it can also peak in the positivity making life more enjoyable, uplifting, hilarious and fantastic.

I'm sorry you had to experience a low from my end. I don't want to feel that way, ever. It's not for me, and you sure as hell don't deserve that from a Best Friend.

So, my committment continues, my determination isn't budging...I hope you see that I am more.

- J

2 - The Bigger Picture

2011-06-07T05:23:00.000-07:00

Hey MJ,

It really helped me out the other day when you text me in the morning. Just the simple Hi, was enough to make me smile. Although I still had a lot of inner hatred for myself so naturally I was in a bit of a mood at work. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong, I told them it was personal, so naturally they pryed. I refused. It's funny, when I'm in a bad mood, how seldom it usually happens, everyone's always concerned. Is it that scary? I don't understand why other people can have bad days, but when i do it's an event?

Anyways this letter isn't for me to vent...this is a committed letter with one goal in mind - to see through to what I said i'd do. After all, it was a wise person who once told me, "...if I don't follow up on what I say, how will anyone take me seriously."

I wish I hadn't let you down. :( Your presence, your friendship, your time....is so valuable to me, you have no idea. I don't want to make you feel like I did ever again...and I feel the only way to do so is be completely open and honest to you, so I will be. The only thing i ask is that if it's regarding information about another friend who put their trust in me, that people respect that and not pry.

I'm serious about this change MJ. Thanks for talking some sense into me.

- J

1 - Perplexed

2011-06-06T09:56:00.000-07:00

Mark the day, as today i begin a journey that will hopefully mean something to someone, one day.

So let's start off with the problem...

I fucked up and let you down. I put myself into a situation I shouldn't have been in, and that...kills me. I didn't think my actions would be so accountable. But they were. You know the phrase 2 birds one stone? Exactly same analogy... only it's looking like 2 friends lost over one desision.

So, I writhe in the pain that I caused myself and dwell in my own stupidity. I deserve this. 100% But they don't.

These are like the moments that make you hit rock bottom and then the weight of your friends hits you for the pain you caused them...placing you directly beneath the level at which you once called rock bottom.

How do you fix something like this? You don't. You can't. Friends can forgive, but they never forget. So what plan of action can i take now? Anything I guess. The damage has been done.

....there is something I can do...that i'm going to do, with no expectations...because I feel it's the right thing to do. What's that?

Well for each person I'm going to show dedication to the bettering of myself so that they never have to witness the calibre of let down I presented to them again.

For G, a lifelong dedication of asking myself WHY before acting. Getting a more in depth idea of the consequences to my actions before moving forward.

To M, a letter a day. Not to be mailed, but to be kept as a reminder of what she means to you. Perhaps one day i'll give her the letters. By then things will be so different I imagine. I could be completely wiped from memory. I hope im not for my sake....because there's no one like her.

"So here it starts, the beginning of what will be a long tedious journey. It's accomplishable, totally...so do it for them, do it for what they mean to you, and most of all do it for yourself - because YOU now - will not want to experience this ever again." - J

"Dear MJ,

I don't expect you to read this, I can't imagine why you'd want to after what i did...but here it is open and honest for you to read. You said some things last night that hurt - and I totally deserve it. I deserve much more abuse to balance off any pain, or feelings of betrayal I made you feel... But i'm not wrong in how i feel towards you. You can take my texts, and the words I write and call it like, infatuation, endearment, whatever you want to call it... I'm not confused. I'm thinking straight, and my feelings for you are more. It's silly sometimes. I act like I can control it - sometimes i can, sometimes I can't.
Is it pointless to wait though? Hoping one day i can be the person to share life with you. I don't think it is, but everything against me says otherwise. I don't want to dramatize this, as it's a very serious matter to me but you need to know i feel this way. Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty... and I will never stop feeling how i feel for you, because I can't. I'm human, i make mistakes...but im more than ready to pay for them, because I know you're worth it.

- J

To Whom it may Concern...

2011-04-23T00:36:00.000-07:00

"Today I had a thought... in this thought - there was just you and I. We were happy, because we had each other...and nothing else mattered."

Obviously this is fictional and I'm sure that for one reason or another it might be for the best...

...but I often wonder...

What would it be like? Would you be happy? Am I capable of entertaining that creativity you have such an abundance of? ...that drives you. This quality you have compounds my level of attraction towards you. I would hope that I could somehow challenge you and entice your creativity to kick into overdrive. You're limitless, I am sure.

I wonder why I feel this way - why I have such strong feelings about you. When I try to rationalize my thoughts, I calculate previous engagements such as our summer hang outs, the day at the baseball field, our trip to the EX, the fun we would have at work, the game nights...your birthday --- those are my fondest memories.

You captivate me. Your essence is so unique, I struggle trying to describe it. It's as though your parents took the best humanity has to offer and mixed it all together to make you. You're surely an anomaly. I've found 'minuscule' traces of 'similar' characteristics you display - in others... but nothing comparably close to you. It's as though everyone else is trialing the lite version - while you're clearly the real deal.

Also...

When we began talking - I discovered this natural feeling I would get specifically with you...a strong sense of comfort. Maybe we met in another life...if you believe in the sort of thing. The only exception occurs when your eyes lock on to mine. It's like you can read my thoughts and can see my secrets. It feels like I'm an open book, and i'm not used to that kind of exposure.

You ask for honesty...here it is.

I want you to know that if I died tomorrow, You would be the girl of my dreams. You're everything I want in a life partner. Your attitude is positive, your character is radiant, your appearance is breath-taking. You're witty and knowledgeable, you're hilarious, and you have an unrivaled passion for life.

... I don't think I'll ever be able to forget you. <3

26 Cycles and counting...

2011-02-27T22:14:00.000-08:00

26 Cycles and counting... what a ride.

It seems not that long ago, I was on here writing about where I wanted to be when I turned 25. So where am i at you ask? (You probably didn't ask, but maybe you were curious) In any case, I have not accomplished what I had set out to. Now, with my goals a year behind schedule...It's crunch time.

Ok so that's the bad news out of the way. The good news is that of my list of 5 goals...2 of them are achieved. One of which is the better paying job. I have yet to start - as I just recently landed the job... but I feel confident that I will succeed in it - contributing to the achievement of my other 3 goals.

2011 could prove to be a good year, as most of the obstacles i've faced have subsided rather quickly and effortlessly. I stay guarded though, knowing great challenges are still out there...watching, waiting... praying for moments of weakness. I'm not ready to backdown, I'm not interested in settling, this is my life and I demand satisfaction...

...realizing I have to earn every bit of it.

Ambiguity - A Josh tale

2008-05-13T20:29:00.000-07:00

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm writing to you now with the fullest intentions of providing those who seek to understand me...the resources to do so. I'd say I'm simplistic, but i've been told otherwise. Rather than argue I figured I'd sit down and open up. Hopefully you're prepared to learn the things you may not have known about me. I imagine this could be one part of many to follow.

As most of you know, my heart belongs to movies. They consume a fair share of my life, including my current and future occupation. So let's start by using movies to describe me. Think Trilogy. The first chapter of a trilogy is usually the character establishment and background story. For your reading pleasure I'll divide the categories up.

Childhood

"At approximately 8:15am, February 12th 1985 a 8lbs 1 1/2 oz Joshua W. W. Hillier was born. Raised by his mother Elaine, he grew up away from the city in a small country town known as Bobcaygeon. He began his schooling and progressed up to the 3rd grade, at which time he and his mother moved to British Columbia. Staying in the West Coast province for just over two years, we headed back East due to a death in the family, my Grandfather. Arthur Parker died of a sudden brain hemorrhage. Afterwards my mother and I headed back to the small town I had been so familiar with only to find that so much had changed. No matter what though I always had my dog Flash by my side...keeping me company and entertained."

Teenage life

"Completing my elementary schooling in the summer of 1999, I began the next step of education in a town nearby, Fenelon Falls. Between my five years attending this highschool, i moved back and forth between the towns of Bobcaygeon and Fenelon. It was there were I discovered my love for media... specifically movies. I worked at a bowling alley, and hung out with my childhood friends, TJ, and George.

After graduating, I moved out of my house and in with my Mother's sister. Living with my Aunt Barbara and Uncle Hamid in Milton, On. I took a year off school and worked at a Rogers Video store. After a 6 months of this I left Milton and stayed with my Aunt Carol and Uncle Lloyd in Etobicoke."

Tragedy

"That February my life-long companion Flash was laid to rest. She was 13. Not a month later, my Aunt Barbara dies at the age of 50, due to complications (she suffered a ruptured blood vessel in her brain, and during her weakened state she developed a severe case of pneumonia).

This Poem was written by me in her memory:

I miss you auntie
With each passing day,
Our minds won't accept
That you've gone far away

But I know where you are
There's no pain, there's no fear
And i know in my heart
That you'll always be near

I know that you watch me
Please don't worry, i'm okay
Life just isn't the same
Without you here each day

You were always a fighter
Never one to give in
It was difficult to watch
A fight, you couldn't win

But I have to be strong
For my Ashley and my Bran
For my Ryan and my Hamid
My Elaine and my Gran

I love you so much
But the pain's still inside
On March 18th
A part of me died.

5 months later, my Uncle Lloyd passed away. Just before he died I was granted entry into College. My Aunt Carol and two cousins, Christopher and Shawn, informed him of this accomplishment and they told me he was proud. This meant a lot.

Later on, due to my insecurities and poor decisions i lied, cheated, and betrayed the woman I was in love with. I am coping with my loss, and I've learned from my mistakes...but I don't think i'll ever forgive myself for what I put her through. The last memories I have of her consist of teary eyes, heartache, and a final hug goodbye." ***sighs***

College Life

"Three years have gone by since I began my studies at Humber, and I've finally made it to the course I believe I was destined to take, Post-Production. In this three semester course, students work on the shot footage (hence the term Post). In our second semester, students break off into groups choosing a Major and a Minor. My choices are almost set in stone, i'm just debating what to Minor in. I will be Majoring in Post-Audio and at this point I believe i'll be minoring in SFX. After that, my plan is to move downtown into an apartment of my own. Hopefully landing a job in the field i'm studying in."

Relationships

"Currently have no girlfriend. I want it that way. I think it's unfair to ask someone to commit their time with me while I have my busiest school year ever coming up. I mean don't get me wrong, I still long for someone to confide everything to. Someone to be there through my ups and downs, and in turn someone i can be there for. I miss the affection, i miss the feeling of falling asleep beside that someone and waking up with them. Most of all, I just don't want to be alone."

to be continued...

A Storm's Brewing...

2008-03-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

When you experience pain...or guilt, how do you express it? Do you stay dormant in your room, and block the rest of the world out? Board up the windows, lock the doors, grab your pillow and pray? I've tried that and i still hurt... There's a few things that can do it: the sight of a picture frame, or the reading of a note *sighs*. See, inside the room hurts just as much as outside in the storm, so what's the point?

Perhaps you flee to this tranquility due to fear. Fear that this could be something that could happen more frequently. Fear that you're not strong enough to face whatever it is that pains you and move forward, so you'll just let the storm sweep you away. I was scared, but later when i had realised the mistakes i made... i thought back to a quote from a movie (as i always seem to do). In this movie the man said, "I am not here because of the path that lies before me, but because of the path the lies behind me. Life is experience. To live to love, to hurt and be hurt, to cry to laugh, and eventually our experience stops... and we die. The thing is we have some say how that end comes to be.

These storms never improve. People might tell you that in time it gets better, but that's not true. It still hurts. The difference, and I believe the point they try to make is...with the more time that passes, the pain becomes less immediate. Something that JUST happend will likely have a strong effect on you compared to an accident that happend years ago.

Sometimes i don't even know what i'm writing, or why. I just know that sometimes it helps take my mind off of what has been lost to the storms. I cherish all i've had. I'm greatful for all fortunate things that have occured in my experiences in life...but i do regret the effort i put forth in trying to maintain them. How little it seems now. Maybe forgiveness is not the answer. I don't know what i want, except for some time. Once the storm finally passes, i'll try to rebuild, making things stronger... knowing that next time the storm could be worse.

- Josh

Words of Birth

2008-02-12T12:40:00.000-08:00

Another year gone by, another revolution of my life. Some things were great for me this year, some things were tragic, and some were simply lessons learned. For those I've let down or disappointed, I apologize. For those i've helped and made happy, you're welcome. I have a new perspective on life. I believe people can find meaning in anything. For me, i just want to love and live. I love where i'm at right now, with my family, with my friends. I'm still concerned with establishing the career though, but it's not that big of a deal yet.

All serious issues aside, I'm 23 now. I don't feel different. I don't feel reborn. I feel like i'm part of something larger than I realise. Whatever that may be, whatever part I might need to play, i'm looking forward to facing these obstacles head on. Fearless and focused.

Till next time.

- josh

Brand New, Great Lyrics

2008-01-31T09:56:00.000-08:00

i am heaven sent,
don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me whats it like to have
myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..

i hope this song starts a craze.
the kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
the kind of song that makes people glad
to be where they are,
with whoever they're there with.
this is war.
every line is about,
who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something
they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh its so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
cuz you cant keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..

Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
we are entirely smooth.
we admit to the truth,
we are the best at what we do.
and these are the words you wish you wrote down.
this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
handsome and smart.
oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
and its all from watching tv,
and from speeding up my breathing.
wouldnt stop if i could.
oh it hurts to be this good.
you're holding on to your grudge.
oh it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
oh, so let it go..

this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason your alone,
this is the rise and the fall.

__________________________

With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
By five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar

And it's sad, but true
Out of cash and I.O.U's

I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes its demands
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free

The Dream

2008-01-15T10:12:00.000-08:00

Everyone has them, whether they choose to call them fantasies, goals, ideal situations....whatever they may be, everyone has them...and the only real difference between having them and wanting them is how determined you are to achieve them.

My dreams i feel are relatively realistic.

A Better paying Job
A Single bedroom apartment downtown
A New I-mac + needed software
A Larger tv (between 27" and 36")
A Puppy named Charlie or Benjiman (English Bulldog)

I am 22 years old now, 23 next month. I would like to have accomplished all of these by the age of 25. We'll see just how badly i want it.

- Josh

Wasted Words on Lowercases and Capitals

2008-01-15T09:02:00.001-08:00

Yesterday my cousin Shawn asked me a question. At the time I wasn't paying close attention to what he was saying so I quickly responded, "What?" Before he could repeat what he originally said, I recited his question word for word. So MY question is....if we hear what people say, but think we didn't get all of it...why are we so quick to say "What?" Why don't we simply take a minute or two and try to remember it?

On another note, I took a stride out on the ice last night, first time i've laced up skates in twelve years. My feet were sore and my ankles wobbled...but it was an experience that words will find hard to describe. It did take me almost and hour and a half to remember how to sorta stop on skates, but there was progress. It's empowering the feeling you get playing your country's most famous sport, especially when you can do so with your family. Hopefully in time, I can skate relatively similar to my cousin Shawn.

- Josh

Description

2008-01-09T13:47:00.000-08:00

Subtle winds drown nearby voices. Crisp is the air that dries my lips moisture. I'm all alone now, surrounded by many strangers. The streetcar makes the trip seem more enjoyable and different. Walking down street now my feet meet the steps of the grimey subway outlet, i swipe my card and get in line, a line spreading sideways along the platform. Seeking a seat to myself with no possibilities or probabilites that a stranger could sit with me. I drift away to the sounds of my ipod. My sleep seems empty, unfufilling, yet intoxicating. I now hunger for my blankets and pillows. The wait for the bus seems prolonged. Smokers lighting up in smoke-free areas....adding to my already pleasant journey home.

I get off the bus, walk down the street and up those very familiar steps. I'm home. Now I can sleep away my troubles, preparing for yet another day which will no doubt keep me busy.

- Josh

Time for change...

2008-01-08T10:59:00.000-08:00

There are moments in life where you should drop what you're doing and move on. It has come to this point in my life where i am now faced with the options of the change that is needed. School has a year left on it and then it's the big world. Time to search for placement in my field.

The next steps...who knows? 1 Bedroom Apartment...a Dog...these are the luxuries of imagination. Making them a reality is now the challenge.

~ Josh

Just have a little faith

2008-01-08T10:02:00.000-08:00

Cold lips whisper tales of your treachery. Hearts now confined to the chills of early winter. The still air becomes thin and difficult for you to breathe. The agonizing dreams overtake your imagination. All you see is the hurt and pain you've caused. The shadows of your existance all speak the same sentences, "You're destined to fail" they say. "You'll only make things worse if you choose not to let go.

"Now as I lay bedside and dormant, I wonder....are the whispers right? Is there any purpose to what I do next? Will it change or mean anything? It comes to this and you remind yourself that by not taking action, you allowed things like this to happen, you made them possible. So now, as you face the same relentless battle...do you crumble to the pain, like before? Or, do you face it head on and take whatever it can throw at you? I have to believe, I have to have faith. Without it, I have nothing.

~ Josh

Oh Doctor....

2008-01-08T09:59:00.000-08:00

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted, but mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
Or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
For a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go, or a bus to come,
Or a plane to go. Or the mail to come, or the rain to go.
Or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow.
Or waiting around for a Yes or a No,
Or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Insight

2008-01-08T08:57:00.000-08:00

I've been a winner, and I have been a loser. I have succeeded and I have failed. I have driven and flown...and I have crashed and fallen. I have grown strong yet remained weak. Dreams have come and gone, yet the nightmares stay the same. I have cheated and been cheated on. I have friends that out-number my enemies, yet I have enemies that out-strengthen my friends. I have hurt and been hurt. I have loved and been loved. I speak before I think and leap before I look, but somehow I always find myself landing on my feet with minimal damages.

Now, I ache when i'm awake seeking salvation when i sleep...but as i've said before the nightmares stay with me still. I wear the mask just to keep things "normal"....whatever that might be. Depression no longer describes my feelings, it has become me. I look to things hoping they'll get better...when really they just continue to get worse. With every ounce of hope i create... a pound of depair shadows it. Like razorwire, the more I struggle... the situation gets worse. This leads me to think that I should just give up trying to make things how I want them to be and just let nature take its course...whatever that may be.

Once I had a rare thing. Something difficult for most to find, but I found it. This thing gave me meaning...gave me purpose. It gave me motivation, it gave me strength...most importantly, it made me happy. However, like most, I didn't appreciate what I had found until I lost it. Now i'm left wondering if i'll ever find it again. I thought I knew where to look for it, but when I tried I found nothing. All I can do now is wait and hope, that one day when I look back to the place it had originally been found, it will be there... waiting for me.

~ Josh

Curiosity, Temptation, and Chance

2008-01-08T08:54:00.000-08:00

When someone asks what Curiosity means, what do you tell them? Do you say that it is the drive for knowledge? Perhaps you describe it as eagarness to learn that which you do not understand. I'm sure some would think of the catch phrase, "curiosity killed the cat." I do.... now.

What about Temptation? Is it a desire that manifests stongly on the conscience, enticing you to boldly go or do what you shouldn't? This attraction to something, or someone, that seduces your mind into weighing thoughts that were once not feasible. Why do we do it? If we know that these feelings have led us down an unfortunate path once before, and then we approach the similar fork in the road...why do we give it any thought at all? It's like fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me...isn't it? If you constantly get something wrong and don't change it, then you like being wrong. However with curiosity, it's different. Some believe that life without curiosity, would be boring...and that is quite possible. Some believe that if you allow curiosity to get to you, then you leave yourself victim to the reprecussions your curiosity may possess.

What about Chance? If we live in a world without chance we rid ourselves of doubt. "I am going to do this, and as a result this will happen." Boom, simple and to the point. You did it cause you wanted to. Like a coin though, chance also has the other side. This leads me to think that if we allow chances to be taken in life, life will act as a randomizer throwing things at us without anticipation, spicing things up. Filling your life with surprise, whether it be good or bad. So after all that...what kind of person are you? Are you Ignorant or Curious? Are you easily Tempted or Aversive? Are you a Gambler or are you a Risk-free individual?

Just a thought,

~ Josh

Dreams

2008-01-08T08:52:00.000-08:00

What if what we thought was real, was actually surreal, occuring in our sleep.

Some of us Humans wake up in the morning, some of us choose to sleep in. Some of us eat breakfast...some of us don't. Some of us go to work, some of us go to school, and some of us stay home all day.

At the end of our day, we sleep. Our bodies switch from active mode, to standby. We drift slowly drift into "subconsciousness"...deeper and deeper...into a pleasant sleep or perhaps a grim nightmare.

Here's my thought....what if our lives, and the events that occur are actually created while in a stasis of sleep. What if what we do daily is a dreamy fabrication from the recesses of our minds? Have you ever had a dream with someone you didn't know or never met? Why are they there? A complete stranger just pops out of your mind and gets placed inside your sleepy scenario. Have you ever had those re-occuring dreams? Situations continue to play in your mind as though your brain was stuck on repeat. Now have you ever felt like the days you have work and/or school are boring because they are so repetitive.

So why does it seem impossible to question whether or not we live our lifes awake or spend them in a permanent coma.

Things like family and friends, work and school. Cancer and death, health and birth. All fabricated by our minds. I don't know, I wouldn't say it's impossible.

Just a thought,

-Josh