1 - Perplexed

Mark the day, as today i begin a journey that will hopefully mean something to someone, one day.

So let's start off with the problem...

I fucked up and let you down. I put myself into a situation I shouldn't have been in, and that...kills me. I didn't think my actions would be so accountable. But they were. You know the phrase 2 birds one stone? Exactly same analogy... only it's looking like 2 friends lost over one desision.

So, I writhe in the pain that I caused myself and dwell in my own stupidity. I deserve this. 100% But they don't.

These are like the moments that make you hit rock bottom and then the weight of your friends hits you for the pain you caused them...placing you directly beneath the level at which you once called rock bottom.

How do you fix something like this? You don't. You can't. Friends can forgive, but they never forget. So what plan of action can i take now? Anything I guess. The damage has been done.


....there is something I can do...that i'm going to do, with no expectations...because I feel it's the right thing to do. What's that?

Well for each person I'm going to show dedication to the bettering of myself so that they never have to witness the calibre of let down I presented to them again.

For G, a lifelong dedication of asking myself WHY before acting. Getting a more in depth idea of the consequences to my actions before moving forward.

To M, a letter a day. Not to be mailed, but to be kept as a reminder of what she means to you. Perhaps one day i'll give her the letters. By then things will be so different I imagine. I could be completely wiped from memory. I hope im not for my sake....because there's no one like her.

"So here it starts, the beginning of what will be a long tedious journey. It's accomplishable, totally...so do it for them, do it for what they mean to you, and most of all do it for yourself - because YOU now - will not want to experience this ever again." - J


"Dear MJ,

I don't expect you to read this, I can't imagine why you'd want to after what i did...but here it is open and honest for you to read. You said some things last night that hurt - and I totally deserve it. I deserve much more abuse to balance off any pain, or feelings of betrayal I made you feel... But i'm not wrong in how i feel towards you. You can take my texts, and the words I write and call it like, infatuation, endearment, whatever you want to call it... I'm not confused. I'm thinking straight, and my feelings for you are more. It's silly sometimes. I act like I can control it - sometimes i can, sometimes I can't.
Is it pointless to wait though? Hoping one day i can be the person to share life with you. I don't think it is, but everything against me says otherwise. I don't want to dramatize this, as it's a very serious matter to me but you need to know i feel this way. Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, and difficulty... and I will never stop feeling how i feel for you, because I can't. I'm human, i make mistakes...but im more than ready to pay for them, because I know you're worth it.

- J