Insight

I've been a winner, and I have been a loser. I have succeeded and I have failed. I have driven and flown...and I have crashed and fallen. I have grown strong yet remained weak. Dreams have come and gone, yet the nightmares stay the same. I have cheated and been cheated on. I have friends that out-number my enemies, yet I have enemies that out-strengthen my friends. I have hurt and been hurt. I have loved and been loved. I speak before I think and leap before I look, but somehow I always find myself landing on my feet with minimal damages.

Now, I ache when i'm awake seeking salvation when i sleep...but as i've said before the nightmares stay with me still. I wear the mask just to keep things "normal"....whatever that might be. Depression no longer describes my feelings, it has become me. I look to things hoping they'll get better...when really they just continue to get worse. With every ounce of hope i create... a pound of depair shadows it. Like razorwire, the more I struggle... the situation gets worse. This leads me to think that I should just give up trying to make things how I want them to be and just let nature take its course...whatever that may be.

Once I had a rare thing. Something difficult for most to find, but I found it. This thing gave me meaning...gave me purpose. It gave me motivation, it gave me strength...most importantly, it made me happy. However, like most, I didn't appreciate what I had found until I lost it. Now i'm left wondering if i'll ever find it again. I thought I knew where to look for it, but when I tried I found nothing. All I can do now is wait and hope, that one day when I look back to the place it had originally been found, it will be there... waiting for me.

~ Josh