Ambiguity - A Josh tale

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm writing to you now with the fullest intentions of providing those who seek to understand me...the resources to do so. I'd say I'm simplistic, but i've been told otherwise. Rather than argue I figured I'd sit down and open up. Hopefully you're prepared to learn the things you may not have known about me. I imagine this could be one part of many to follow.

As most of you know, my heart belongs to movies. They consume a fair share of my life, including my current and future occupation. So let's start by using movies to describe me. Think Trilogy. The first chapter of a trilogy is usually the character establishment and background story. For your reading pleasure I'll divide the categories up.

Childhood

"At approximately 8:15am, February 12th 1985 a 8lbs 1 1/2 oz Joshua W. W. Hillier was born. Raised by his mother Elaine, he grew up away from the city in a small country town known as Bobcaygeon. He began his schooling and progressed up to the 3rd grade, at which time he and his mother moved to British Columbia. Staying in the West Coast province for just over two years, we headed back East due to a death in the family, my Grandfather. Arthur Parker died of a sudden brain hemorrhage. Afterwards my mother and I headed back to the small town I had been so familiar with only to find that so much had changed. No matter what though I always had my dog Flash by my side...keeping me company and entertained."

Teenage life

"Completing my elementary schooling in the summer of 1999, I began the next step of education in a town nearby, Fenelon Falls. Between my five years attending this highschool, i moved back and forth between the towns of Bobcaygeon and Fenelon. It was there were I discovered my love for media... specifically movies. I worked at a bowling alley, and hung out with my childhood friends, TJ, and George.

After graduating, I moved out of my house and in with my Mother's sister. Living with my Aunt Barbara and Uncle Hamid in Milton, On. I took a year off school and worked at a Rogers Video store. After a 6 months of this I left Milton and stayed with my Aunt Carol and Uncle Lloyd in Etobicoke."

Tragedy

"That February my life-long companion Flash was laid to rest. She was 13. Not a month later, my Aunt Barbara dies at the age of 50, due to complications (she suffered a ruptured blood vessel in her brain, and during her weakened state she developed a severe case of pneumonia).

This Poem was written by me in her memory:

I miss you auntie
With each passing day,
Our minds won't accept
That you've gone far away

But I know where you are
There's no pain, there's no fear
And i know in my heart
That you'll always be near

I know that you watch me
Please don't worry, i'm okay
Life just isn't the same
Without you here each day

You were always a fighter
Never one to give in
It was difficult to watch
A fight, you couldn't win

But I have to be strong
For my Ashley and my Bran
For my Ryan and my Hamid
My Elaine and my Gran

I love you so much
But the pain's still inside
On March 18th
A part of me died.



5 months later, my Uncle Lloyd passed away. Just before he died I was granted entry into College. My Aunt Carol and two cousins, Christopher and Shawn, informed him of this accomplishment and they told me he was proud. This meant a lot.

Later on, due to my insecurities and poor decisions i lied, cheated, and betrayed the woman I was in love with. I am coping with my loss, and I've learned from my mistakes...but I don't think i'll ever forgive myself for what I put her through. The last memories I have of her consist of teary eyes, heartache, and a final hug goodbye." ***sighs***

College Life

"Three years have gone by since I began my studies at Humber, and I've finally made it to the course I believe I was destined to take, Post-Production. In this three semester course, students work on the shot footage (hence the term Post). In our second semester, students break off into groups choosing a Major and a Minor. My choices are almost set in stone, i'm just debating what to Minor in. I will be Majoring in Post-Audio and at this point I believe i'll be minoring in SFX. After that, my plan is to move downtown into an apartment of my own. Hopefully landing a job in the field i'm studying in."

Relationships

"Currently have no girlfriend. I want it that way. I think it's unfair to ask someone to commit their time with me while I have my busiest school year ever coming up. I mean don't get me wrong, I still long for someone to confide everything to. Someone to be there through my ups and downs, and in turn someone i can be there for. I miss the affection, i miss the feeling of falling asleep beside that someone and waking up with them. Most of all, I just don't want to be alone."


to be continued...

A Storm's Brewing...

When you experience pain...or guilt, how do you express it? Do you stay dormant in your room, and block the rest of the world out? Board up the windows, lock the doors, grab your pillow and pray? I've tried that and i still hurt... There's a few things that can do it: the sight of a picture frame, or the reading of a note *sighs*. See, inside the room hurts just as much as outside in the storm, so what's the point?

Perhaps you flee to this tranquility due to fear. Fear that this could be something that could happen more frequently. Fear that you're not strong enough to face whatever it is that pains you and move forward, so you'll just let the storm sweep you away. I was scared, but later when i had realised the mistakes i made... i thought back to a quote from a movie (as i always seem to do). In this movie the man said, "I am not here because of the path that lies before me, but because of the path the lies behind me. Life is experience. To live to love, to hurt and be hurt, to cry to laugh, and eventually our experience stops... and we die. The thing is we have some say how that end comes to be.

These storms never improve. People might tell you that in time it gets better, but that's not true. It still hurts. The difference, and I believe the point they try to make is...with the more time that passes, the pain becomes less immediate. Something that JUST happend will likely have a strong effect on you compared to an accident that happend years ago.

Sometimes i don't even know what i'm writing, or why. I just know that sometimes it helps take my mind off of what has been lost to the storms. I cherish all i've had. I'm greatful for all fortunate things that have occured in my experiences in life...but i do regret the effort i put forth in trying to maintain them. How little it seems now. Maybe forgiveness is not the answer. I don't know what i want, except for some time. Once the storm finally passes, i'll try to rebuild, making things stronger... knowing that next time the storm could be worse.

- Josh

Words of Birth

Another year gone by, another revolution of my life. Some things were great for me this year, some things were tragic, and some were simply lessons learned. For those I've let down or disappointed, I apologize. For those i've helped and made happy, you're welcome. I have a new perspective on life. I believe people can find meaning in anything. For me, i just want to love and live. I love where i'm at right now, with my family, with my friends. I'm still concerned with establishing the career though, but it's not that big of a deal yet.

All serious issues aside, I'm 23 now. I don't feel different. I don't feel reborn. I feel like i'm part of something larger than I realise. Whatever that may be, whatever part I might need to play, i'm looking forward to facing these obstacles head on. Fearless and focused.

Till next time.

- josh

Brand New, Great Lyrics

i am heaven sent,
don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me whats it like to have
myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..

i hope this song starts a craze.
the kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
the kind of song that makes people glad
to be where they are,
with whoever they're there with.
this is war.
every line is about,
who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something
they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh its so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
cuz you cant keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..

Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
we are entirely smooth.
we admit to the truth,
we are the best at what we do.
and these are the words you wish you wrote down.
this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
handsome and smart.
oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
and its all from watching tv,
and from speeding up my breathing.
wouldnt stop if i could.
oh it hurts to be this good.
you're holding on to your grudge.
oh it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
oh, so let it go..

this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason your alone,
this is the rise and the fall.

__________________________


With one or two I get used to the room
We go slow when we first make our moves
By five or six bring you out to the car
Number nine with my head on the bar

And it's sad, but true
Out of cash and I.O.U's

I've got desperate desires and unadmirable plans
My tongue will taste of gin and malicious intent
Bring you back to the bar
Get you out of the cold
A sober, straight face gets you out of your clothes
And they're scared that we know
All the crimes they'll commit
Who they'll kiss before they get home

I will lie awake
Lie for fun and fake the way I hold you
Let you fall for every empty word I say

Barely conscious in the door where you stand
Your eyes are fighting sleep while your mouth makes its demands
You laugh at every word trying hard to be cute
I almost feel sorry for what I'm going to do
And your hair smells of smoke
Who will cast the first stone?
You can sin or spend the night all alone

Brass buttons on your coat hold the cold
In the shape of a heart that they cut out of stone
You're using all your looks that you've thrown from the start
If you let me have my way I swear I'll tear you apart
Cause it's all you can be
You're a drunk and you're scared
It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free

The Dream

Everyone has them, whether they choose to call them fantasies, goals, ideal situations....whatever they may be, everyone has them...and the only real difference between having them and wanting them is how determined you are to achieve them.

My dreams i feel are relatively realistic.

A Better paying Job
A Single bedroom apartment downtown
A New I-mac + needed software
A Larger tv (between 27" and 36")
A Puppy named Charlie or Benjiman (English Bulldog)

I am 22 years old now, 23 next month. I would like to have accomplished all of these by the age of 25. We'll see just how badly i want it.

- Josh

Wasted Words on Lowercases and Capitals

Yesterday my cousin Shawn asked me a question. At the time I wasn't paying close attention to what he was saying so I quickly responded, "What?" Before he could repeat what he originally said, I recited his question word for word. So MY question is....if we hear what people say, but think we didn't get all of it...why are we so quick to say "What?" Why don't we simply take a minute or two and try to remember it?

On another note, I took a stride out on the ice last night, first time i've laced up skates in twelve years. My feet were sore and my ankles wobbled...but it was an experience that words will find hard to describe. It did take me almost and hour and a half to remember how to sorta stop on skates, but there was progress. It's empowering the feeling you get playing your country's most famous sport, especially when you can do so with your family. Hopefully in time, I can skate relatively similar to my cousin Shawn.

- Josh

Description

Subtle winds drown nearby voices. Crisp is the air that dries my lips moisture. I'm all alone now, surrounded by many strangers. The streetcar makes the trip seem more enjoyable and different. Walking down street now my feet meet the steps of the grimey subway outlet, i swipe my card and get in line, a line spreading sideways along the platform. Seeking a seat to myself with no possibilities or probabilites that a stranger could sit with me. I drift away to the sounds of my ipod. My sleep seems empty, unfufilling, yet intoxicating. I now hunger for my blankets and pillows. The wait for the bus seems prolonged. Smokers lighting up in smoke-free areas....adding to my already pleasant journey home.

I get off the bus, walk down the street and up those very familiar steps. I'm home. Now I can sleep away my troubles, preparing for yet another day which will no doubt keep me busy.

- Josh